Blur the Line
by xekari
Summary: Palex. What may have occurred between Paige and Alex during the summer between seasons five and six. Warning Rated M for strong language, drug use, and reference to rape.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi. As much as I love Palex, they belong to another.

Warning: This fic contains strong language, hence the rating.

AN: My take on what may have occurred between Paige and Alex during the summer between seasons five and six. This is the beginning of a chapter fic (hopefully) and is not associated with my first story, _Unsynchronized_.

Please feel free to point out my mistakes, be they characterization flaws or grammar/spelling flubs. Love it, hate it? Feedback makes me a better writer.

Edit: Thoughts are now in _italics_ thanks to a reviewer's suggestion. (See? I actually do pay attention to those reviews!)

---

It's funny how things change. If someone had asked me two years ago how I would be spending graduation night, I probably would've said I'd end up drunk and stoned at some crazy party down at the ravine. Well, today I am officially a graduate of Degrassi Community School and how do I celebrate? I'm at my ex-girlfriend's parents' house, completely sober and alone.

Paige is inside, flitting around her guests ecstatically. I know she's gotta be loving this, playing hostess is definitely her kind of thing. She kept me up quite a few nights talking my ear off with plans for this night and I must admit, it turned out really nice. It was pretty cool of her parents to give up their house for the party and spend the evening in a hotel. I almost couldn't believe it when she told me they had agreed to it, but she said it was her reward for being so trustworthy and responsible all these years. I guess they conveniently forgot about her little stoner act during the college fair, or maybe they were just so relieved that she made it into Banting that they decided to let it slide.

I glance over my shoulder and spot Paige inside, she's talking to Marco with a huge grin on her face. If you didn't know better, you'd never guess that she'd been dumped just a few days ago. I pull a cigarette from the pack next to me on the wooden porch step and quickly light it, inhaling deeply as I turn back to face the darkening backyard.

_It's not fair. __I'm the one who broke it off, I should be the one partying happily with my friends instead of sitting out in the dark moping. Why did I let Ellie and Marco talk me into coming here? As if the past few days of watching Paige act so fucking blasé about the breakup wasn't bad enough, I have to subject myself to Super-Social Party Paige? _

We agreed that we would stay friends, but I'm finding it kind of hard to be around her at the moment. Maybe it's wrong, but I think it might make it a little easier if just once she would act hurt by the whole thing. I mean, I haven't exactly made a big show of how depressed I am, but you won't catch me walking around sporting a perma-grin either. I have to remember I brought this on myself. _You got what you wanted, Alex, now you gotta live with it._

I take another deep drag off my smoke, trying to prepare myself to walk into that happy gathering. _I can do this, I am a master at hiding my emotions. __Just go in there, get a drink, act like everything is cool... if she can do it, so can I. _I throw the butt onto the ground, crushing it out under my boot and kick it over towards a bush where it lands against the five others I'd smoked. Just as I stand up and turn around, Ellie walks out to meet me with a small sympathetic smile. She hands me a cold beer, the sweat which has already accumulated on the outside of the bottle sliding over my fingers soothingly as I chug down half the contents.

"I thought maybe you could use that," Ellie says with a gentle smirk as she sits down on the porch step.

"Yeah, thanks. I was actually on my way in to get one, it's fucking hot out here," I grumble as I take a seat next to her.

"Ah, yes, the wonders of summer in Toronto. This humidity plays havoc with my hair." She points towards the soft curls framing her face as if they prove her point. " Too bad you can't smoke inside," she gives me a calculating look, "when did that start?"

I'm not surprised she noticed, it's not like I've been trying to hide my new habit or anything. I used to smoke occasionally, just bumming off people at parties or whatever. After Jay left my place the night I broke up with Paige, I snatched Chad's half empty pack off the end-table and smoked a few. Somehow it helped, just having something to do. I'd really rather not explain to Ellie that cigarettes and coffee are all I can stomach lately or that lighting up is the only way I can keep my fingers from dialing Paige's number and begging her to take me back. I don't think she'd understand how focusing on the acrid smoke entering and exiting my body has become my only defense against the tears that seem to constantly threaten the backs of my eyes.

I shrug and pull another one from my pack. "Do you really have to ask?" I mumble as I light up again.

"Guess not," she looks uncomfortable, staring down at her hands and twisting her rings one by one. "I guess neither of you is handling this very well."

"Really?" I scoff, "she looks pretty fucking happy to me." I take another long drink of my beer, the cold liquid sloshing around uncomfortably in my empty stomach reminds me that I should eat something if I plan to drink anymore tonight.

Ellie shakes her head and looks up towards the sky. "I think that's just how she deals, you know? Paige acts like everything is perfect, so no one can see how messed up she really is, it's just a coping mechanism." She turns those big grey eyes on me and again I can see the sympathy in them. I think I hate her a little in that moment, just for knowing how utterly broken I am inside. "It doesn't mean that she's hurting any less than you though, Alex. We all know how much she really cares about you."

I almost wish that I could talk to Ellie, break down in her arms and accept her comfort. I can't do that though, I could never allow myself to be that weak. I squint my eyes and take a last drag off my cigarette before finishing off my beer. "Right," I say coldly as I flick my cigarette out into the dark. I stand up, signaling the end of our little heart to heart. "I need another drink. Coming?" Ellie nods and follows me inside.

I think I must've been outside a bit longer than I realized. More people have shown up, the volume in the house has definitely increased and quite a few people are wearing a slightly too bright grin that says they're on their way to serious intoxication. _Oh, perfect timing. _They've pulled out the karaoke machine. Everyone's gathered around in the living room, watching Craig and Ashley sing along to some idiotic pop song. _Well, at least that means they won't be paying any attention to me. _

Ellie squeezes my hand and goes over to sit next to Marco on the couch. They all look so fucking happy. Marco is practically sitting in Dylan's lap and they're both grinning from ear to ear. I can't help but smile as I watch Marco laugh at something that Dylan said, it's hard not to feel happy for him even though I am kind of jealous at the moment. My eyes wander across the room and I see Spinner sitting on the floor next to Jimmy_. Guess they finally made up, how lovely for them. _

Continuing my survey of the room, my gaze unfortunately lands on Paige. She's curled up in the recliner with her good buddy Hazel. They're watching Craig and Ashley intently and giggling loudly between shared whispers. I can almost hear their snarky comments in my mind, so predictable. She looks good, though. Paige always looks good when she smiles. She's wearing a loose knit, short sleeved top with a wide neck that slips off one shoulder to expose the strap of her camisole. Both pink, of course. Pink is Paige's "happy" color. I scowl a bit as I notice her jeans. They're the same ones that she wore to the Kevin Smith movie premiere. I haven't seen them in a while and I can't help but wonder if she thought of that night when she put together her outfit.

Apparently, I've been staring at Paige a little too hard. Hazel catches my eye and gives me a surprisingly sympathetic look. _Fuck her._ I frown at her in response and hurry into the kitchen for my drink. I round the corner to find Emma and Peter making out against the marble top island. _What the hell? Was every single person from Degrassi invited to this thing? Next thing you know, I'll find Heather Sinclair mixing drinks. _

"Jesus, get a fucking room," I growl at Barbie and Ken as I push past them to grab a beer from the fridge.

Emma gives me that hurt/shocked look that I'm convinced makes up half of her facial repertoire and Peter just smirks like he's more than happy to flaunt his bimbette.

"Ignore her," Manny says derisively as she enters the room, wobbling slightly on her heels. _Ah, Manny, that's why the Stepford Children are here. I almost forgot Craig was dating this plastic slut again. _She gives me an evil little smirk, "She's just cranky 'cause Paige finally came to her senses and dumped her ass."

I just chuckle and roll my eyes at her as I take a swig from my fresh beer. I'm not about to argue over the details of my personal life with this bitch.

The golden duo scamper off somewhere, probably to find a more secluded make out spot, and leave the bitch behind. She searches clumsily through the assorted bottles on the counter, peering closely at the label of each one. I try to ignore her presence and start putting together a small plate of appetizers to snack on. While I don't really feel like eating, I figure it might be a good distraction for a few minutes.

When Paige first started planning this party, the food was the part I looked forward to the most. I really do love her cooking and I made sure that she included some of my favorites on tonight's menu. I'm happy to see that my suggestions survived, even though I know they won't taste quite the same now.

Manny is making a truly wonderful mess as she tries to mix herself a drink, I think only half of it actually made it to the cup. She looks up and catches me watching her, she sneers at my amused expression. "So, Alex. Ever given any thought to becoming a nun?"

A confused look passes over my face. _Was that supposed to be an insult? She must be more drunk than I thought, cause that was just lame. _

"I mean, obviously sex just isn't your thing. You couldn't keep Jay happy last year, and now Paige," she gives me a taunting grin, "she must've been crazy with frustration to jump into bed with Darcy's castoff."

My jaw clenches so hard I think my teeth might break. _She's lying. The bitch is lying to you, Alex. Paige would never do something like that, she loves you. _

"Shut up, Manny," I hiss through gritted teeth.

She gives me a look of mock sympathy, "That was a pretty cold move, even for Paige. You've got a lot of guts coming here though, I don't think I could stand being in the same room with my ex and their new fuck-buddy."

I know that she's not lying. I don't know how, but I can feel the horrible truth in her words. I can picture them kissing. His hands large and clumsy, groping her beautiful body. I can almost hear her whispering his name, gasping in pleasure against his lips. _Oh, god. I think I might be sick. _My fists clench at my sides, fingernails digging into my palms. I squint my eyes and purse my lips, trying to hold back tears I can feel threatening.

When she sees the effect her words have on me, she lets out a little gasp. "Oh god, you didn't know?" She chuckles uncomfortably, "I thought everyone knew. I thought Marco..."

I don't know what she's saying now. I can't hear anything beyond my pounding heart. I feel like there's no room in my chest for my lungs, I can't breathe. My vision tunnels until all I can see are Manny's lips moving. Mocking me with her lies. I just want to shut her up, then maybe I could breathe again. Before I realize it I'm up in her face, one hand gripped tightly around her throat as the other pulls back in a fist to smash that lying mouth.

"Oh my god!"

"Alex, stop!"

I vaguely hear two voices yelling at me as I try to shake off the restraining hand on my elbow. My hand remains clamped around Manny's neck as I turn to face the interruption.

Dylan pulls hard on my elbow, forcing me to release my hold. He looks seriously pissed. "What the hell are you doing?" he demands.

"Don't touch me," I growl, flinging his hand away from me.

"Crazy bitch!" Manny spits at me as she tries to regain her breath.

Marco slowly approaches me from behind Dylan, watching me carefully like a wild animal. "Alex, what happened," he asks soothingly, "What's wrong?" He places a gentle hand on my arm and I instantly recoil from his touch.

"You," I snarl as I take a step towards him.

Dylan quickly steps in front of me, but Marco holds him aside as he stares into my eyes. "It's okay, Dyl," he says reassuringly. "I think Alex just needs some air." He holds out his hand for me, his eyes pleading with me to take it.

My adrenaline slows a bit and I blink quickly, taking in the scene around me. Manny is still up against the refrigerator, rubbing her throat and watching me nervously. Dylan is all puffed up, looking like he's ready to jump on me at a moment's notice. But Marco, he just looks worried. His dark eyebrows are scrunched up and his eyes bore straight into me like they're trying to read my pain. _Oh god, what am I doing? I don't want to hurt anyone, I thought I was done with that. He's right, I just need to get out of here._

I roughly brush past the pair of boys as I stride briskly to the back door. I try to ignore the happy party atmosphere that continues on obliviously in the living room. _Assholes, every one of them. _I feel like I've been duped, like the past year has just been an elaborate trick to make me think that I was one of them. They made me feel like I was part of their little clique and then they ripped me to shreds, exposing me for the loser I've always been.

They're all probably having a good laugh about it now. _Wasn't it pathetic when Alex thought you loved her? She actually thought we were her friends, what a moron. As if I would actually want a loser like her! As if she could get a girl as perfect as you._ I can hear them all so clearly in my mind, and I know that I deserve their scorn_. I was an idiot to think that things could change, that I could change and be good enough for someone like her._

I pause once I reach the porch and pull out my almost empty pack of cigarettes. My shaking fingers fumble with the lighter and I take a deep breath to steady myself. Finally, I get the damned thing lit and inhale deeply, the harsh smoke soothing my frazzled nerves. Stuffing the box back into my pocket, I quickly brush away a few tears which have managed to escape against my will. I walk purposefully towards the dimly lit street, ready to get the hell out of here and away from the pack of idiots inside.

"Alex! Wait!" Marco is calling me, but I continue on. He's one of _them_ and I have nothing to say to him. I hear his rapid footsteps approach as he runs to catch up to me. He grabs my shoulder and practically jumps into my path. I just glare at him. I don't need his pity, I don't need him.

His eyebrows are scrunched together in that oh-so-concerned look of his. "Alex, what happened in there? Are you drunk or something?"

His question actually shocks me for a moment, but then of course that's what he would think. _That's what they all think of me, Alex Nuñez: Juvenile Delinquent. _"No!" I yell and swat his hand away from my shoulder. At his hurt look, I reply in a lower voice, "No, Marco, I'm not drunk, okay? She just pissed me off."

He grins a little, "Oh, well c'mon it can't be that bad, it's just Manny. I mean, antagonizing people is like her calling. What could she possibly have said that would warrant an attempt on her life?"

I know he's not going to let me leave without an answer, and I really don't have the energy to fight him right now. "She told me the truth... about Paige and Spinner," I say in a pathetically shaky voice.

I wish that he would deny it. I want him to tell me that Manny is a lying whore and reassure me that I am the only one that Paige wants. _If only I could believe for just a few more moments in the dear, sweet Paige who would never hurt me like this; it would be worth another lie. _The smile drops off his face and his mouth opens like he's going to say something, but he's apparently at a loss for words. _Doesn't matter, nothing he could say right now would change anything. _

I take a deep drag off my cigarette and raise my eyebrows expectantly. After a moment in which he still says nothing, I shake my head and look away from his shocked face. "Look, there's nothing to talk about, okay? It's done, I'm done. I'd just like to get out of here now, if you don't mind."

He jerks his head slightly and seems to get his wits about him again. "No, wait. Alex, you should let her explain. It was just a stupid mistake, she still loves you."

I laugh dryly, I'm sure the disbelief is plain on my face. "Not my problem anymore. We're over, Paige is free to fuck whoever she wants."

Marco cringes at my harsh choice of words. He grabs my free hand and squeezes it as he looks deep into my eyes. "I am _so_ sorry that you had to find out like this. I know how much this hurts." He pauses for a long moment and just stares into my eyes. "Please know that I am not excusing her actions in any way," he takes a deep breath before continuing, "but she was so messed up the day that you broke up with her. I have never seen her that upset over anyone and I know that, no matter what happened between her and Spinner, she still loves you."

I want to scream. I want to break down and sob. I want to clutch onto Marco and feel his arms around me as I let loose all the pain and rage that have built up inside me. I want to tell him all my paranoid fears, how I feel like such an idiot for believing that she could love me; about the picture of Paige with Spinner that keeps playing in my head. Even if I could let myself do that, I know it would all get back to her. Marco is Paige's friend, just like most of the people I now call my friends. Everything I thought was mine has really always belonged to her.

I pull my hand away from him and look down, focusing my blurred vision on the little red ember at the end of my cigarette as I let it drop from my fingers and slowly grind it into the dirt with my toe. After blinking hard a few times to suppress my tears, I set my jaw and look up to meet his eyes. "Can I go now?" I ask simply.

He looks so confused for a minute. He glances around as if trying to come up with reasons for me to stay, but he knows as well as I do that there aren't any. His shoulders hunch slightly as he asks me, "Do you want me to drive you?"

I shake my head, "I'm gonna walk."

"If you need anything, Alex. You know I'm here for you," he says almost pleadingly. "I'm gonna call you, tomorrow, okay?" he asks as I start to walk away.

Waving back at him without turning around, I pull my last cigarette from the pack and toss the empty box to the ground. Miraculously, I manage to hold the flood of tears back until I make it home.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still own nothing associated with Degrassi, but if they ever wanna get rid of Palex, I promise to take good care of 'em.

Warning: In addition to the strong language present throughout this fic, this chapter contains a brief reference to drug use.

AN: I decided to try something a bit different from the style of the first chapter, let me know what you think. As always, feedback is appreciated. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I tried to respond to each one but FF-net got a little wonky on me, so I apologize to anyone who didn't receive a reply. Sentences in _italics _indicate thoughts.

---

The line rang three times, four... Paige sighed and prepared to leave Marco a voice mail, but was pleasantly surprised when she heard him pick up.

"Hey," Marco said simply, his voice strangely quiet.

"Hiya," Paige greeted him brightly. "What's up?"

"Not much," he replied.

"Well, I'm bored. I've been stuck in the house all day, so I thought I'd call my bestest boy friend and maybe we could go shopping or something," Paige said in a hopeful tone.

Marco hesitated a moment before he answered, the volume of his voice dipping even lower, "Well, I'm kinda... busy right now. Can I call you back in a bit?"

The tone of Marco's voice bothered her, she could hear people talking in the background, so why was he being so quiet? "Where are you?" she asked.

Again, there was a pause before he replied. It sounded like he was moving as the background noise dulled a bit. "I'm having coffee," he answered, "with a friend."

"Oh, cool. You're at The Dot? I could come meet you," Paige brightened at the thought of meeting up with her friends at their favorite restaurant. She hadn't been hanging out much lately, and she felt like she really needed to get out and do something fun today.

"Uh no, actually there's a new café down on Lakeview we thought we'd try."

Paige's brain finally kicked in and the obscure references about his companion registered. "Oh my god," she gasped, "Marco! Are you cheating on my brother?"

"What?" he practically shrieked into the phone. He cleared his throat and continued in a more moderate tone. "No, god no, Paige. What the hell?"

"Well then why don't you tell me who your 'friend' is? Who are you with?" she demanded. _If he's seeing that Tim freak again..._

Marco sighed loudly, "I'm with Alex, okay?"

"Oh..." she didn't know what to say to that.

"Yeah. Look, can I just call you later?" he asked, trying not to sound too frustrated with his friend.

"How- how is she?" she managed to ask in a tiny voice. _Does she still hate me?_

He switched the phone to his other ear and snuck a glance back at the girl who waited for him at their table. He was tempted to tell Paige the truth: that he had never seen Alex look so hollow, that the light seemed to have gone out of her eyes. "She's okay," he lied. "I've really got to get back. I'll talk to you later, Paige." He snapped his phone shut and walked back to his table, plastering on a fake grin.

"Hey, sorry about that," he said as he slid into the wrought iron chair across from Alex.

She glanced up at him briefly before returning her gaze to her coffee. "That was her on the phone," she said quietly. It wasn't a question, she wasn't even giving him a chance to lie. It was pretty obvious who Marco had been talking to; from his panicked expression when he checked the caller ID and the fact that he'd walked to the other end of the courtyard to finish the conversation, she'd figured it out easily enough.

Marco's grin faded. He watched her closely as he answered, "Yeah, it was. She, um... she asked about you." He quickly regretted his words as he watched her scowl. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't-"

"No," she cut him off, "it's okay." She sighed and pulled out a cigarette from the pack laying on the table, thankful that she could smoke out here. Alex inhaled deeply as she lit up and finally met Marco's eyes for the first time since his return. "It's been two weeks, I can't go around pretending like she doesn't exist. She's your friend, Marco. You have every right to talk to her."

Marco just nodded in response, not sure what to say. He wished that he could fix this, for both Alex and Paige's sake. Two of his closest friends were hurting and there was nothing he could do about it. _At least I actually got Alex out of her house today, that's a start._ He watched as she leaned back in her chair, exhaling a pale tendril of smoke towards the clear sky. He hated that she had started smoking, but he wasn't about to call her on it when she was going through such a hard time. The lecture could wait.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Marco was glad when the server brought out their food and Alex had to stub out her cigarette. He watched furtively as she picked at the pita bread and hummus they were splitting, wondering when the last time was that she had eaten a proper meal. He was worried about her. Alex looked a bit thinner, she hadn't bothered with makeup today and the dark circles under her eyes stood out starkly against her sallow skin. Even her trademark hoop earrings were absent, which seemed like a bad sign. She looked like a shade of her old self and it broke his heart.

He wished that she would talk to him, confide in him like Paige would. He wanted so badly to comfort her, but he knew that any mention of the situation would only make her shut him out. Marco reached across the table and laid his hand on Alex's. He smiled warmly at her as she looked up at him. "I'm glad you're here," he said simply, giving her hand a little squeeze.

She almost smiled at him, it looked like she tried, anyway. "Me too. I think I was getting a little stir crazy in that apartment."

His mind cast about for something to say, something to lift the gloomy mood that Paige's phone call seemed to have brought on. Marco broke into a grin as an idea occurred to him. "You know what we need?" he pointed a pita wedge at her for emphasis, "Pizza."

"Um no, you've already got me eating this crap. I don't even want to think about what they'd do to a pizza at this place. They probably load it up with goat cheese and artichokes or something," Alex made a disgusted face. "That's just sacrilege."

Marco chuckled at her disdainful expression. "No, not here," he reassured her, "I was thinking we could call up Ellie and Jimmy, play some Euchre, order a pizza... just like the old days," he suggested excitedly.

"I don't know..."

"Oh come on, Alex. It'll be fun. We haven't played cards in forever. You and Ellie can team up and kick our asses," Marco coaxed.

She sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to take no for an answer. Alex managed a small smile. "Well," her smile turned sly, "Is there money involved?"

"Absolutely not, I know better than to lay money down against you sharks," he wagged his finger at her in a mock scolding manner.

This brought a genuine laugh out of Alex. The first one he'd heard from her in weeks. "Fine," she scowled, "you ruin all my fun, Del Rossi."

---

Paige stared blindly at the television, glancing every few moments at her silent cell phone which was clutched in her left hand. She hoped Marco called soon, there were a ton of questions she wanted to ask him about his time with Alex.

_Did they talk about me? Does she still hate me? Does she want to talk to me? How is she doing? How does she look? _

She shook her head and tried to focus on whatever program was playing at the moment, which looked to be a rerun of a reality show she'd already seen. Paige glanced at her phone again, it had only been half an hour since she had talked to Marco, it was too soon to call him back. She let out a frustrated groan and forced herself to get off the couch and do something productive.

Wandering into the kitchen, she looked around at the many containers of cookies, fudge and other sweets that she had made in the past few weeks. Cooking was a good way to get her mind off the disaster her life had become, but even she could tell that it was getting out of hand. The place looked like they were preparing for an army. Heaving a deep sigh, she turned and made her way up the stairs to her room with the notion that maybe she could do some cleaning instead.

Her room was spotless, of course. She had spent more time cleaning it lately than she had cooking. She considered rearranging her CD collection again. She had alphabetized it first by artist's name, then by album; arranged it according to genre, then chronologically... she couldn't think of much else to do with it. _God, I need to get out of this house! Just please, call me already Marco._ Checking her bedside clock, she saw that only twenty minutes had passed since the last time she checked. Her shoulders slumped in defeat and she allowed herself to fall backwards onto her bed.

She wished that she could call Alex, just talk to her, tell her... _Tell her what? How the hell do I explain to her what I did with Spinner? How could I possibly rationalize it to her in a way that would make her forgive me? _She had known how angry Alex would be when she found out what Paige had done. She had never meant for Alex to find out about it, and especially not the way in which she had. _I think I could honestly kill Manny for that._ She'd blamed Manny at first, then her ire had turned on Spinner. _It's his fault it got out in the first place, couldn't keep his damned mouth shut. _

After everyone had left her party that night, Marco had offered to stay and help her clean up. That was when he told her why Alex had left so abruptly. She doubted that she could ever forget how that moment felt. It was like everything stopped; there was no noise, no movement anywhere. Even her heart and lungs seemed to be shocked into stasis for an interminable moment. Then the world came crashing down on her, bringing her back to her senses. Sitting there at the dining room table, holding a mangled plastic party cup in her right hand, it hit her. _That's it, it's really over now. There is no going back, no making up... Alex will never, ever want me again._

No matter the amount of comfort and consoling she'd received from Marco that night and from all her friends in the following days, that one realization would not leave her mind. Alex may have left their relationship first, but Paige had locked the door behind her. If there had ever been a chance for them to reconcile, she had ruined it with one massively idiotic action. Every moment of every day, she wished that she could take back that night with Spinner. She hated herself for causing so much pain to the woman she loved. The fact that Alex had broken up with her was practically forgotten, Paige had become the villain in her own mind.

Even though Paige knew there was no way that Alex would ever take her back, she just couldn't live with the thought that they'd never even be friends again. She'd wanted so many times in the past two weeks to call Alex or go over to her place and beg her for forgiveness, but Marco wouldn't let her. He said it was selfish of her to try and see Alex so soon, that they both needed time to recover a bit before they could attempt to be friends again. She knew he was right, but that didn't make the weeks, days, hours, minutes she'd gone without hearing Alex's voice any less excruciating.

She turned her head almost upside down against her mattress to get a look at her clock. It had been almost two hours since she'd spoken with Marco. _Maybe I should just call Hazel or something. If he's busy with Alex, he's not gonna call me back._ Paige reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out her cell phone.

The touch pad lit up as she scrolled down to find Hazel's number, the soft green glowing in the slight darkness of her room. Hot tears sprang to her eyes as memories of furtive late night conversations, where her phone had been the only illumination, came tramping through her mind. _Jesus, I miss her so much. Why does every goddamned thing have to remind me of her?!_ She growled loudly in frustration and flung the offending hunk of plastic away. It bounced off the wall with a solid _thunk_ and landed in pieces on her floor. She cringed at the sound of it breaking, knowing she was going to catch hell from her parents. _Great. This day just cannot get any worse._

Furiously she swiped her hands roughly over her damp cheeks as she turned again to check the time. 7:52, the blurry red numbers of her alarm clock read. _Screw this, I'm going to sleep._ Quickly deciding that it was too much trouble to change out of her clothes, she wriggled around until her head rested on her pillows and pulled her comforter securely around her. She tried to ignore the growing wetness on her pillow as she closed her eyes. She willed herself to fall asleep quickly and not dream of the beautiful black haired girl who haunted her every waking thought.

---

Alex smiled slightly as she made her way down the dim hallway to her apartment. Tonight had been good, much better than she'd expected. It had felt good to be with her friends again, to smile and laugh and goof around. It had been slightly uncomfortable at first, everyone was being careful not to mention Paige or Spinner around her. But as the evening progressed, they had eventually fallen into a comfortable playfulness and just enjoyed each others' company. It had been the first time in weeks that Alex had felt like herself, and she loved them for making it possible.

She entered her apartment warily, as always, but was pleasantly surprised to find the living room empty. The ever-present multitude of beer bottles were lined neatly along the tiny kitchen counter. Alex knew this was a sign that her mother had been at least slightly sober before bed, which usually meant that she and Chad were actually getting along. A small smile graced her lips as she let out the breath she had been unconsciously holding. These were the good nights, the nights when she could feel relatively relaxed and safe in her home.

Deciding to take full advantage of the all-too-rare calm night, she prepared a hot bath. As the tub filled, Alex went back into the living room and poked around in the overfull ashtray which sat on the coffee table. In a few short moments she found her prize, a neglected roach. _Thank you, Chad._

She held the end that had already been charred over the flame of her lighter until it glowed red, then brought the unlit end to her lips and took a long hit. She almost gagged as the pungent smoke hit the back of her throat. _Ugh, why does he always have to get this nasty brown skank weed?_ _Maybe I should hook him up with Jay, he always gets the good shit. _Alex exhaled the smoke in a soft chuckle as she thought of suggesting to her mother's boyfriend that he should buy pot from her ex. She took another hit off the roach, holding the smoke in her lungs as she licked her fingertips and pinched the small cherry out. She placed the leftover joint on the edge of the ashtray, just in case Chad actually remembered it's existence in the morning.

She hadn't smoked enough to get high, but she felt a comfortable buzz creeping in as she undressed and entered the bath. The warm water helped to relax her further, she closed her eyes and leaned back, allowing herself to enjoy the soothing sensations. Even sober she had a tendency to stay in the bath too long, when she saw that her fingers were starting to prune up she decided to finish up with a shower and wash her hair. Unfortunately, thoughts of Paige could only be suppressed for so long and they came bouncing back as the scent of the shampoo she had bought for Alex wafted through the steam.

It was the kind of thing that Alex would never buy for herself, shampoo and conditioner of matching scents from one of those expensive boutique beauty shops that her girlfriend loved so much. She had to admit that she liked the uncomplicated scent of the chamomile and cucumber set, and Paige thought it would smell amazing on her, so she had relented and accepted the gift. As she stepped out of the shower and dried herself quickly, she thought of just how much Paige had enjoyed her post-shower smell. Alex almost smiled as she recalled how the girl would pounce on her, practically devouring her, until she remembered... that would never happen again.

She had to fight not to cry out loud as the thought hit her. Suddenly, it didn't matter how fun her night had been or how peaceful her apartment was at the moment. All that mattered was that Paige wasn't here, Paige didn't want her anymore. She wrapped herself in a towel and dejectedly made her way to her room.

Alex pulled on her pajamas slowly and crawled underneath her covers. Even this, laying in her bed in the dark, trying to keep her sobs as quiet as possible, reminded her of Paige. So many nights she had spent talking to her girlfriend while her mother and Chad railed at each other in the next room. Those late night phone calls had become a regular habit, her lifeline in the chaos; even on the quiet nights they would talk for hours until one of them fell asleep. But now the best friend she'd ever had, the only person she'd ever really confided in, was gone. She pulled her knees up, curled into a fetal position and tried to pretend that Paige was there, holding her as she fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi... lucky me.

Warning: In addition to the strong language present throughout this fic, this chapter contains reference to Paige's rape.

AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I just love reading what other people are thinking of this story. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Sentences in _italics _indicate thoughts.

---

The harsh ringing of the phone broke the perfect stillness of the apartment. Alex turned over in her bed, pulling the covers tighter around her body in an unconscious attempt to block out the noise. Again, the phone sounded, waking her enough to realize the source of the disturbance. Eyes still tightly shut, she reached towards her bedside table and fumbled around until her hand landed on the cordless phone. She clumsily pressed random buttons on the receiver until her fingers found the talk button and silenced the loud ringing. "Hello?" she answered groggily.

"Alex? Oh god..." Paige managed to gasp out before breaking down into violent sobs.

The sound of her girlfriend crying ripped away some of the cobwebs from Alex's mind, her eyes snapped open as she struggled against her sleep-heavy limbs to sit up. "Paige? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

For a few tense moments, all she could hear was the sound of Paige crying so hard she sounded like she was hyperventilating. "Please baby, tell me what's wrong," Alex begged, her growing panic bringing her fully awake.

"D-Dean was... he had you... he was hur-hurting you," Paige choked out between desperate cries. "I-I tried... I tried to stop him... but I couldn't, I couldn't get to you. I'm s-so sorry," her tears won out and again only the sound of strangled sobs permeated the silent night.

Suddenly, she understood. Paige had woken her up a couple of times before in the middle of the night, scared out of her mind by the man who had violated her years ago. Each time, Alex had held her shaking, sweating girlfriend tightly as she recounted the horrible dreams. Paige claimed that the nightmares had become more infrequent with the passing of time, but each was still as terrifying as the first one.

Even with all the fucked up people she had met in her less than perfect life, Alex had never hated anyone as intensely as Dean. Emily Nuñez had brought some real assholes into her home, but none of them were so purely evil as the man who had stolen Paige's innocence. Many times she wished that she could meet that sick fuck in a dark alley with a nice sharp knife in her hand. Alex pushed down the violent spike of anger that always accompanied thoughts of that twisted bastard and switched her focus back to comforting her girl.

"Shh shh, it's okay. I'm right here," she whispered soothingly, wishing that she could hold the frightened girl. "You're okay, I'm here. Nobody hurt me. Everything's alright." Paige's cries quieted slightly, but Alex could tell she was nowhere near calm. "Just take deep breaths for me, okay?"

Paige drew a sharp breath into her tight lungs. The sound of Alex's voice gave her courage enough to jump up and switch on the overhead light before rushing back to the safety of her bed. She sat with her back against the wall and hugged her shaking legs to her chest, pressing her forehead against her knees. She focused on Alex, trying to breathe deeply as the girl instructed her.

Alex's soothing voice, the light and even the feel of the hard plastic phone in her hand all helped to bring her farther back into reality; but she still couldn't shake the ominous feel of her dream. It had seemed so _real_. Her body tensed up again as the vivid nightmare replayed in her mind, bringing on a fresh wave of tears.

The sound of Paige's renewed sobs nearly brought Alex to tears as well. She felt so fucking helpless sitting here in her darkened room miles away from her love. "Paige, baby, just tell me what happened. Just talk to me, okay? He can't hurt you anymore, I'm right here. It wasn't real, Paige. It was just a bad dream and it's all over now." Alex was starting to feel a little desperate now. She'd never tried to talk Paige down from one of these nightmares over the phone before and she didn't know if she could do any good without being able to touch her.

"I know," Paige whispered so quietly that Alex could barely make out the words, "I know it wasn't... but it felt so real. He had you... and I could-couldn't move... and he was hurting you and I tri-tried to stop it... but I couldn't and you..." A strangled cry wrenched out of her raw throat as Paige thought of what he had done to her beautiful girl. "You... you were so scared... and I couldn't reach you... and it was m-my fault... my fault that he hurt you. I'm so, so s-sorry, Alex."

Paige's breath hiccuped in her throat as she tried to steady herself. "When I woke up and you weren't here... I thought it was real. I know it's stupid... but I thought- I thought you were gone forever," she admitted in a shaky voice. "I thought that he had really taken you... that you were scared and hurt and... it was all because of me."

"It's not stupid, you were afraid. It's alright, Paige. It's not your fault," Alex crooned. "Everything is okay now. I'm right here. Just calm down, take deep breaths."

Paige inhaled deeply as she forced herself to focus on the sound of Alex's voice, the loving tone resonating through her, gradually dissipating the disturbing images of her nightmare. Slowly, her tears abated and her breathing approached a normal rate.

"Why does it still hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it already? I just... I hate this, I hate that even after so long, he can still hurt me. Every time I have one of these stupid dreams, or if I get nervous because there's a guy walking behind me, or... or when we... the first time... and it was so beautiful, but I was _so fucking scared_... it's just not fair. It's not fair that he gets to live his happy little life with absolutely no negative repercussions while I get to be this traumatized mental case for the rest of mine!" Paige took a deep breath, she hadn't realized that she'd been practically yelling as her fear had turned to anger. All of the emotion of the night felt too heavy all of a sudden, she felt emotionally and physically drained. She sighed wearily and wished that she could just forget all of this. "I just want to be normal again, Alex. I just wish I could be strong and get past this, just let it go already."

Alex frowned deeply at the tone of Paige's voice. She hated to hear her sound so defeated, so down on herself. After everything she had been through, to become the wonderful, beautiful girl that she had was just amazing. She could only hope that she could help Paige remember all of that in these rare low moments. "How can you say that? You stood up to him. You destroyed the guy's car. You stood up in a courtroom full of people, in front of your _mother_, and testified against him. Paige, you are strong. You are the strongest, bravest person I have ever met. I don't think rape is something that anyone can just get over. It's not fair and it's not right, but you just deal with it as best as you can. What happened to you is one of the worst things a person could experience, so don't ever think that it's wrong for you to still feel scared sometimes... I think that's probably normal."

Both girls were silent for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Paige cursing herself for being so weak that she couldn't even handle a measly bad dream on her own. Alex wishing that she could find the magic words to say that would make this all better.

"I'm sorry," Paige said in a tiny voice.

"It wasn't your fault, it was just-"

"No, I know. But I'm sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. I just... I was so scared and it was all so real. I just needed to hear your voice, to know that you were okay," Paige admitted apologetically, still sniffling occasionally as her tears dried.

Alex was glad to hear Paige sounding somewhat stronger. "You have nothing to be sorry about. You know I'm always here for you. I lo-" She had to cut herself off, it was just such a natural impulse to tell Paige that she loved her, but she knew she had no right to say that anymore. She wondered if Paige had caught her little slip-up, the girl's extended silence made her believe that she had. Alex didn't know what to say... should she apologize or let it go like nothing had happened?

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

Paige's voice seemed to shrink again as she asked, "Would you... I know it's kinda silly, but would you mind staying on the phone with me until I fall asleep?" It was something they had done dozens of times, but asking Alex to do it now seemed inconsiderate, no matter the extenuating circumstances.

Alex sighed in relief, maybe Paige hadn't noticed her close call after all. "Sure. Just try not to snore, okay?" she answered, unable to hold back the familiar tease.

She was rewarded by a hesitant chuckle as Paige got up to turn her light off and slipped under her covers. "I'm not the one who snores, Miss Nuñez," Paige replied, trying for a close approximation of her usual haughty tone.

"Please, I was starting to think I'd have to invest in earplugs," Alex retorted as she snuggled back into her bed.

They both laughed quietly, briefly enjoying their banter after the night of high emotion. Their spurt of good humor died quickly as exhaustion crept into their bones. The girls closed their eyes, wounded hearts aching at the familiar sound of quiet breathing over the phone in the dark.

"Thank you," Paige said, her voice heavy with barely restrained emotion. She hoped that the girl would understand how truly grateful she was for her comfort tonight.

Alex smiled softly, unbidden tears rising in her eyes. "Anytime, Paigey," she answered sincerely.

Long silent moments passed and Alex began to drift off, lulled by the steady breaths on the other end of the phone. Just as she felt herself teetering on the edge of sleep, she heard an impossibly soft voice.

Once she was completely sure that the other girl was asleep, Paige whispered guiltily into the phone, "I love you, Alex." She knew it was wrong, she no longer deserved the privilege of saying those words to her; but they had been burning on her tongue since the moment Alex had answered her call. Paige didn't want to mar the unspoken truce they had reached tonight by bringing her own selfish feelings into play, so she waited until only Alex's subconscious would hear her admission. Feeling slightly relieved by her solitary confession, Paige let her body relax and fell into a heavy sleep.

Alex tried to keep her breathing calm and regular so as not to reveal the fact that she was awake. Playing dead, or at least asleep, seemed like the best response at the moment. _Paige loves me?! She still... loves... me. _Marco had been telling Alex the same thing for weeks, but hearing those words from Paige's lips again was like... well it was insanely confusing, actually. She was happy, but it hurt and somehow made her a bit angry at the same time.

_Why did she have to say that? She shouldn't, she shouldn't even think it anymore. How am I supposed to let her go when I know that she still loves me? How can she still love me after all that's happened? How the hell can she claim to love me after what she did? _

_Chill out, Alex. She was just upset and probably half-asleep at that point, surely she didn't mean it. Unless she did... what if she thinks that everything is okay now, that we're all better? She's not stupid, if she had wanted you to hear her say it, she would've made sure you were awake. _

Alex argued back and forth with herself, working herself into such a state that she couldn't get to sleep. She waited until the light blue of morning crept through the edges of the window shade and then finally hung up the phone. She didn't want to talk to Paige first thing when she woke up. Nothing had changed, they were still over. Alex couldn't let her believe that the last three weeks of hell had been washed away by one night of solace. She turned the ringer on the phone off and placed it on her night stand. As she pulled her covers tightly up to her chest, she decided that staying in bed all day seemed like a very good idea.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi, but the way they've treated Palex, I think I should be awarded custody.

Warning: If you haven't noticed by now, this story contains strong language.

AN: This chapter is the longest so far, I think it'll make you guys happy though. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far.

Sentences in _italics _indicate thoughts.

---

Large angry clouds roiled in the darkening sky. They seemed to multiply exponentially as Alex stared up at them. _Just please, let me make it home before the downpour starts._ It wasn't that she disliked storms, but anytime it rained the buses became extremely crowded and uncomfortable. Take about thirty people of various stages of cleanliness, get them all soaking wet and then shove them into tight, poorly ventilated quarters with little to no air conditioning. It's not exactly a recipe for a pleasant ride home. Alex cringed as the first fat raindrop struck the plastic shelter of the bus stop with a loud _pong! _

Since she was busy glaring hatefully at the offensive sky, Alex didn't notice when a small dark grey hatchback pulled up alongside the curb. "Need a ride?" the driver called through the growing noise of the rain.

Alex closed her eyes and sighed when she heard the familiar voice. _Perfect. I must've done something awful in a past life to deserve this day._ She opened her eyes and felt her resolute 'No' die in her throat when she saw the hopeful expression on Paige's face. The only answer she could manage was a shrug as she gathered up her bag and climbed into the passenger seat.

Paige's whole body tensed up as the girl entered her car. She hadn't really expected Alex to accept the ride and now she was starting to doubt the wisdom of her offer. For weeks now she had wanted to talk to Alex; to apologize, grovel, beg, whatever it took to win her friend back. Now that she actually had her face to face, she had no idea where to begin. Gripping the steering wheel desperately in an effort to still her shaking hands, she glanced over and saw Alex lick her lips nervously. That familiar display of discomfort from her ex-girlfriend somehow helped to alleviate her own a bit and Paige's mouth turned up in a crooked little grin as she watched Alex buckle her seat belt and settle in.

It suddenly occurred to her that maybe she wasn't ready to have Alex this close again. Just the smell of her in this small space was bringing up improper feelings and impulses. _God, how does she do this to me? I've been in her presence for all of thirty seconds and all I want is to kiss her. It would be so easy to run my fingers through that dark, thick hair and pull her lips to mine._ Paige shook her head slightly as she tried to talk some sense into her hormones. _That's a great plan Paige, just jump her as soon as you get her in the car. Perfect way to get her to forgive you._

Paige cleared her throat and flashed Alex what she hoped was a friendly grin as she put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb. "So, you were at the mall and you leave sans shopping bags? Seriously, Alex, I'm disappointed in you."

Her casual tone caught Alex a bit off guard. She had expected Paige to spring on her with a long discussion regarding their relationship, or lack thereof, as soon as they saw each other. Maybe Paige was trying to draw her in, make her forget why they weren't exactly friends at the moment so that she could eventually find a new way to screw her over. _Or maybe she just misses you and is trying to be nice, you idiot._ Alex narrowed her eyes as she watched Paige, trying to pick up on any clues as to the girl's motives. Paige glanced over at her again, waiting for an answer. All Alex could see in those bright jade eyes was hope, mixed with a good bit of nervousness_. See? She's just as anxious right now as you are. This is just Paige, not some diabolical mastermind determined to make a fool of you._

Alex forced herself to sit back in her seat and relax. She had known it would be hard seeing Paige again, but she was determined to try and act as normal as possible. "Well yeah, it wasn't exactly a fun-filled visit. I just went to turn in the last of my uniforms to the Evil One, bitch refused to give me a reference until I did." As she spoke, her hand slipped into the front pocket of her jeans and she mindlessly turned the small plastic lighter inside over and over again between her fingers. The urge to have a cigarette was almost overwhelming, but she didn't dare ask Paige if she could smoke in her car. For one thing, she knew better, Paige hated the smell of cigarettes. Secondly, she just didn't want to hear the girl bitch about how her new addiction was so disgusting and dangerous.

"Ah, yeah, typical Shelley," Paige agreed. "She barely even said 'goodbye' when I quit."

"You quit? When did this happen?"

Paige blushed slightly and kept her eyes firmly on the road. "Uh, almost three weeks ago. I just wanted to have my last summer home completely to myself, no responsibilities. There really wasn't any reason for me to be there anymore. I paid off Spinner a while back and it just wasn't fun anymore after..." she glanced at Alex reflexively and her voice lowered a bit, "after you left."

It took Alex only a moment to figure out that Paige had quit the movie theater less than a week after they had broken up. "So, you didn't give two weeks notice or anything? I mean, that must've been barely a week after she fired me. You just left?"

"I didn't just leave," Paige glanced at her sharply, "I told her I was quitting and _then_ left."

Alex couldn't help but laugh. As much as Paige claimed to want plans and structure, she loved how the girl could be so adorably impetuous at times. _Once she gets a notion_ _in her head, nothing can stop her from making it happen._ She could picture it so clearly, Paige deciding suddenly that she didn't want to work there anymore and telling Shelley that she was leaving. _I wish I coulda been there to see that. I hope she did it in the middle of a rush, that would be sweet._

At first Paige was slightly peeved that Alex was laughing at her, but then it dawned on her how long it had been since she'd heard that beautiful sound. She surreptitiously watched Alex from the corner of her eye, loving the bright grin spread across the girl's face. _God, I love her._

Alex caught Paige's eye, the look of unabashed love on the blonde's face instantly sobered her. She frowned slightly as Paige turned back to watch the road. _I wish she wouldn't do that. Doesn't she know how hard this has been for me? _

Silence reigned in the car for a few minutes. They were both feeling extremely uncomfortable just being in each others' presence. There was so much that needed to be said, but neither one knew how or even if they should bring up the heavier subjects they'd been pondering. It didn't feel quite right to talk about such important matters during a brief car ride.

Clearing her throat, Alex brought up the one subject she knew could get Paige chattering. "So, guess you were shopping, eh? Get anything good?"

Paige smirked. She knew Alex could care less about shopping. Keeping up with the minutiae of ever-changing styles of fashion seemed like a complete waste of time to her ex-girlfriend. A fact that she had mentioned innumerous times during their friendship. She wouldn't go into the exact details of her five hour long shopping binge, she knew it would just bore Alex to death. "Yup, found some good stuff. Hung out with Hazel. All in all, it was a pretty good day." She grinned and gave Alex a sidelong look, "You would've hated it."

"You know it," she returned with a tight smile. "How's Hazel?"

"She's freaking out," Paige said with a small laugh. "You know she's going to NYU in a couple months, so she's all excited and nervous."

Alex was kind of surprised. She'd always just assumed that Hazel would continue her sidekick duties at Banting with Paige. "Yeah, well, can't really blame her for that. Going off to the big city, starting school in a completely different country, that's gotta be a total mind-fuck."

Paige nodded in agreement and tried to ignore her choice of words. She hated when Alex used that kind of language, it made her sound so ignorant. Sure, she cursed sometimes when she was really angry, but Alex slipped words like that into casual conversation and it just made her seem harsh.

Again Alex tried to think of something, anything to fill the void in their conversation. It was quite ironic considering how she used to find it so hard to get Paige to shut the hell up, now it was like pulling teeth just to get her to speak. "Nice car. Graduation present, I assume?"

"Yeah," Paige smiled proudly. "Not quite as flashy as Dylan's ride, I know. But it'll be good for moving all my stuff up to Banting."

The oppressive silence made it's comeback at the mention of Paige's upcoming move. Neither girl wanted to elaborate on that subject.

Paige sighed as she realized that they would arrive at Alex's apartment complex in just a few moments. She wanted to keep Alex talking, she thought maybe if she could keep her in the car just a bit longer, she could find a way to broach the subject of their breakup.

"So, I guess you're looking for a new job then? Cause you said you needed Shelley as a reference."

Alex shrugged. "Well, yeah. My mom and Chad aren't exactly dependable, you know? Someone's gotta make sure we have actual food in the house." She looked up towards her apartment with a slight scowl as they pulled into the parking lot. That big brick building was starting to look a lot like a tombstone. Continuing to live in shitty places like this with her mother, and whatever boyfriend happened to be mooching off them at the moment, seemed like just another sign of her steady decline into full-blown loser.

She jerked her head slightly, trying to dislodge her gloomy thoughts, and turned to Paige with a forced smile. "Well, thanks for the ride," she grabbed the strap of her bag and leaned in to hug the girl goodbye out of habit.

Paige readily accepted the hug, a huge grin spreading across her face as she joyfully squeezed the girl in her arms. _Yes! This is good, right? She's hugging me, this has to be good!_ Her rapture died quickly when she felt Alex's palms flat against her shoulders, pushing her gently away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Alex trailed off, pain burning bright in her eyes as she tried to find the words to explain her slipup. _Fuck! Good going, Nuñez._ She fumbled with the door handle, deciding that getting away as quickly as possible was the best course of action.

Paige's eyes were locked on the armrest. Her cheeks flushed at the abrupt brush-off. _I'm such an idiot. Like just being together for a few minutes would magically make everything better again. So stupid!_ The sound of the door opening caught her attention. She grabbed Alex's wrist and held it tightly as the girl tried to exit the car. _No, I can't let her go like this. I'm leaving in two months, I can't wait for another accidental meeting to bring us together._ _We have got to deal with this, now._

"Wait, please?" Paige practically begged as Alex turned back to face her. She could see confusion and panic warring in the impossibly dark brown eyes before her. "Alex, can you just wait, just stay," she took a deep breath. "I need- we need to talk." As she searched Alex's face for some sort of answer, all emotion seemed to disappear from the girl's expression. It was as if a wall had come down, locking Alex's feelings away from prying eyes, leaving only unreadable stone behind.

Alex distinctly felt the familiar mask of apathy slip over her features. Normally, this was her way out. _Act the uncaring bitch for just a few minutes. Then I can be safe and alone again._ This time it felt wrong. It made her feel sick and ashamed that she would think of treating Paige so callously, just to save face. _This is going to hurt like hell, but it's the right thing to do._

Alex carefully extracted her arm from Paige's grasp and stepped out of the car. With a deep sigh, she gestured for Paige to follow her, "C'mon up." She didn't even wait for a response, just slammed the door behind her and hurried to the building entrance. Her place might not be the best setting for the big talk to come, but she felt a bit better knowing that she was going to be on her 'home turf'. If it got down to it, she wasn't the one who'd be thrown out today.

---

Thankfully, both Emily and Chad were actually employed this week, so Alex knew she didn't have to worry about them coming home for at least a couple of hours. Even so, she decided that she and Paige should settle in her bedroom. It just seemed strange to have such a personal conversation out where her mother and her dumbass boyfriend spent all of their free time watching television and drinking. She dropped her bag in the bottom of her closet and waved Paige towards the bed, then went to the kitchen to get drinks. Just because Paige was here to start a fight didn't mean that she had to be rude.

She returned to find Paige sitting stiffly on the foot of her unmade bed. Alex lightly tossed the unopened can of Diet Coke to her ex-girlfriend and collapsed into the rickety wooden chair at her desk. She popped the top of her Dr.Pepper and took a long drink before setting it on the desk behind her. Paige hadn't moved since she'd caught the soda can, she just watched Alex carefully. "I didn't have time to poison it," Alex assured her cooly as she searched through her bag for her cigarettes.

Paige let out a little halfhearted chuckle and looked down at the cold can in her hand as she opened the top. _It's so weird being here. I mean, it's not even been a month yet. It still feels so familiar, but uncomfortable at the same time. I can't believe she still has Diet Coke in her fridge, I would've thought she'd throw it all away._ Paige smiled a bit as she remembered Alex's protestations against keeping anything 'diet' in her house. She didn't believe in anything 'diet', 'low carb' or 'low fat' and thought it was silly of Paige to buy those products. In the end, of course, Paige had won and Alex kept a twelve-pack in the refrigerator just for her.

As she lit her cigarette and drew in the soothing smoke, Alex leaned back and studied Paige casually. Her little crooked smile, her long golden hair tossed over one shoulder, the lean bare legs she crossed demurely beneath her. There was not one single bit of her that Alex didn't long to touch. _She's right here, Alex. Maybe that's what you both need. Just take her, make her yours again. _She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, willing the treacherous thoughts from her mind. Alex opened her eyes and cleared her throat to get Paige's attention. "Okay, you said you wanted to talk. Let's get this over with," she said gruffly.

"Right. Well, um," Paige faltered a bit, not sure where to start. "I guess, I just want to thank you, first of all."

Alex looked confused, "Thank me?"

Paige rolled her eyes at the girl's obtuseness. "Yeah, you know, 3 a.m. wake-up call a few days ago?"

The dark haired girl nodded and seemed to become very interested in the carpet.

"Well, thank you. That was... it was beyond..." she cursed herself for her inability to articulate her gratitude. "I mean, you shouldn't have to deal with that sort of thing, considering."

Alex scowled, "Paige, I'm not going to abandon you when you need help just because we're not together anymore."

"I know that. Can't I just say 'thank you' for your help?" Paige frowned, confused by Alex's reaction.

"No, you shouldn't have to. I'm your friend, that's what friends do, you know? It's not about gratitude, it's just basic caring about someone."

Paige pursed her lips in thought before replying. "I wasn't sure that we were friends now. I didn't know if you still wanted me as a friend." She took a deep breath and forced herself to continue, "After everything that happened, I figured that you would hate me forever."

Alex sighed heavily as she turned slightly to crush her cigarette out in the ashtray behind her. So Paige had finally mentioned it, the elephant in the room. Of course Paige wouldn't just come right out and say what she'd done, if it was up to her this whole damned thing would be drawn out for hours before she'd admit to it. This was not acceptable. _If she's gonna make me talk about this, we're gonna get this shit out right now. Fuck dancing around it._

"Everything that happened?" Alex narrowed her eyes as she leaned forward, her gaze boring into Paige, "You mean like how you _happened_ to go fuck your ex-boyfriend after we'd been broken up barely a day?"

The venom in Alex's voice took her off-guard, she hadn't thought the girl would jump right in with that. Even though she knew she'd been in the wrong, it still hurt to have it thrown in her face. "Screw you, Alex."

"Well, if you'd done that instead, I wouldn't have a reason to be pissed right now, would I?"

Now Paige's eyes narrowed as she stood up, walked over until she loomed over Alex. "You think I wanted to be there with him?" she said disbelievingly. "That what I did was my own personal 'I'm single again' celebration?"

Alex nodded vehemently, "Exactly! I bet you were just so fuckin' happy to get back to your perfect little straight life that you jumped on the first piece of man that you could find." She jumped out of her chair and met Paige nose to nose. Her voice lowered to a growl, "Did it work, Paige? Are you all better now? Get that nasty little taint of 'dyke' out of your system?"

"You left me!" Paige screamed in her face. "_You're_ the one who didn't want to be with _me_ anymore! I love y-"

"Don't say that!" Alex snarled, "You don't love me. You _never_ loved me."

"Do _not_ tell me how I feel," Paige hissed through gritted teeth. "How the hell would you know how I feel?" She threw her hands up in the air, backing up a step, "You don't even _have_ feelings! I loved you and you threw it back in my face, like I was nothing to you. This whole thing was just a big joke to you."

"No, Paige, you turned it into a joke. You slept with that ape, you ruined everything that we ever had with one worthless fuck." Alex stepped close, getting in Paige's face again, "Don't tell me I'm the one with no feelings, you're a fucking ice queen."

"And you're a heartless bitch!"

"Oh, I'm the heartless one? I'm not the one who spent the last few days of school prancing around like she was in a fuckin' Disney movie for christ's sake!" Alex's eyes clouded over with pain. "Do you know how that felt? I just broke up with the first person I'd ever loved and while my heart is fucking _breaking_, I have to watch you carry on like nothing happened." She laughed bitterly, "Of course it all makes sense now, you didn't care. You were just happy to have your true love, Spinner, back."

She didn't want to cry. Paige had promised herself that once she got to talk to Alex again that she wouldn't cry, she would stay calm and rational. But it hurt to hear her say these things, to know that Alex really believed that she had happily moved on without her. She stumbled back until her legs hit the bed and collapsed onto the edge. Her face fell forward into her hands as she sobbed.

Alex blinked hard a few times, fighting back her own tears. She was surprised at her own behavior, she had worked so hard to keep her temper in check, but lately it just seemed like she couldn't hold back. She backed up and leaned on the edge of her desk, pulling out another cigarette and lighting it quickly. She wasn't quite sure what to do, she didn't want Paige to cry, but she wasn't about to apologize. She had meant every word.

"I don't love him," Paige said fiercely as she continuously wiped tears from her face.

Alex scoffed, "Alright, you don't love him. So, you were just using him to get back at me. Not a whole lot better."

Paige shook her head, "No, it wasn't like that. It wasn't about revenge." She looked up and met Alex's gaze, trying to convey her sincerity. She sighed heavily, trying to find the right words to explain how she had felt that night.

She had never explained her actions to anyone, not Marco or Hazel; she'd never even really let herself think too deeply about _why_ she had slept with Spinner. It just didn't seem necessary to analyze what had happened, but Alex deserved an explanation and Paige allowed herself to speak from her heart. "It was... comfort. I knew that you didn't love me, that you didn't want me anymore. I felt so stupid for letting myself fall in love with you. I was hurt and alone, I just needed someone to want me. It didn't feel good or right, it just... it happened, because I'm weak and I didn't know how to deal with losing you."

Paige's sobs returned as she admitted her failing, she felt so ashamed. Alex couldn't take it. She couldn't watch the woman she loved tear herself apart like this. Mindlessly stubbing out her cigarette, she crossed the short distance between them and knelt between Paige's legs. She wrapped her arms around the weeping girl and buried her face in the soft blonde hair at her shoulder. Finally, Alex allowed herself to cry. For the first time since this had all begun, she didn't try to hold back, she just let all the anguish come pouring out.

They held each other, silently sharing their pain, for what seemed like hours. Alex eventually pulled away, needing to stretch her cramped legs. She sat on the bed next to Paige and smiled softly, brushing a few tear-soaked strands of hair from the girl's flushed face. Somehow she still looked beautiful, the bluish-green of her eyes was made even brighter by the surrounding redness her tears had caused.

Paige closed her eyes and allowed herself to revel in the feel of the comforting hand which still stroked her cheek. In this brief moment, she could forget everything, nothing mattered but that she was here with Alex.

Alex's hand dropped from her cheek and came to rest on her neck, gently urging her forward until their lips met.

Slowly they kissed, barely at first, testing this rediscovered intimacy. Neither girl expected it to last, bracing themselves for the inevitable recoiling of the other, each prepared to back away quickly with numerous apologies. But it felt so right, like coming home. There was no play for dominance, not even an overwhelming passion; just tentative exploration of each other's lips.

Gradually, soft and chaste gave way to deep soul-searing kisses, as weeks of pent up frustration broke through carefully constructed barriers. They clung together, desperately praying that the elation of this moment would not dissipate in the morning sun like so many dreams. The rest of the world disappeared as they held each other, neither one willing to pull away and allow reality back in.

Eventually they had to break apart to catch their breath. Foreheads resting against each other, eyes still closed, rapid breaths mingling between them.

"What does this mean, Alex?" Paige whispered finally, pulling away to look at her.

Alex frowned. "I don't know," she answered honestly.

Paige sighed. _Not exactly the answer I was hoping for._ She brought her hand up to stroke Alex's face, fingers dancing lightly over her wrinkled brow.

"You're still leaving, Paige. Everything between us is so screwed up, we can never go back to the way things were." Alex took a deep breath and captured both of Paige's hands in her own, gazing deep into her eyes. "But this past month has been like my own personal hell and I know I don't want to go back to that either."

"So, that leaves us..." Paige trailed off in confusion.

"I don't know. I guess... can we just keep things open, see where it leads us?" Alex offered hopefully.

Paige chuckled ruefully. As much as she wanted Alex to take her back wholeheartedly, she knew she was lucky that the girl would even consider their relationship a viable option at this point. "Well, if that's what you want, I guess it'll have to be enough..." she placed a quick kiss on Alex's lips for emphasis, "for now."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi.

Warning: This story contains strong language, hopefully it doesn't bother you if you've made it this far.

AN: I'm very sorry for the extremely long time between updates. All I can say is, life is a bitch and apparently I'm it's latest plaything. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, added this story to their favorites or alerts, and those of you who are still reading. Feedback is always appreciated, of course. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

---

Alex groaned loudly as she closed her book and got up from the couch to answer the heavy banging at the door, bracing herself for an unpleasant encounter with her mother's boyfriend. About once a week their drunken fights would culminate in Chad throwing his key in Emily's face, swearing that he was never coming back.

The first time it happened Alex had actually been happy, foolishly believing that the jerk was out of their lives for good. She came home from school a few days later and found him on the sofa with her mother, a small bouquet of flowers proudly displayed on the kitchen table. After a dozen or so performances, his return was no longer surprising, nor was the fact that he'd stopped bringing flowers. He barely even apologized anymore, just acted pissed off that Alex and Emily would lock the door when he didn't have his key.

Ignoring the peephole, she turned the knob of the deadbolt, opened the door, and was met with a welcome sight... more welcome than Chad at least.

"Hello, beautiful," Jay greeted her with a bright grin as he stepped through the doorway, around Alex and into the living room.

Alex sighed as she watched her ex-boyfriend make himself at home on her couch. Even though they were supposed to be doing the 'friends' thing now, she couldn't help the feeling of mild annoyance that his presence always seemed to inspire. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a clipped tone, clearly irritated by his visit.

"What, I can't just drop by to see my favorite girl anymore?" he asked innocently.

She looked at him skeptically. "Jay, you know I hate it when people come by without calling first. And for the millionth time, I'm not your girl."

"True, you may not be mine anymore, but you're still my favorite," Jay answered with a smarmy grin.

Rolling her eyes, she teased back, "Sure, til you find some skank to hook up with."

He grabbed his chest and gave her a pathetic pout, "Lexi, that hurts. Really, you cut me deep."

Alex shoved his shoulder playfully as she sat on the opposite end of the sofa. "Seriously, what's up?"

"Well, I had some good fortune today," he smiled slyly as he reached for his bag, "and I thought I should come share it with my best friend."

"Your only friend, you mean," Alex commented.

Again, Jay pretended to pout at her jab, but for just a moment she thought he actually looked a bit hurt. "Now, now," he scolded, wagging his finger in her face, "If you don't start playing nice, I'm not gonna show you what's in the bag."

"I'm not sure I want to know," she said as she watched him unzip the dark green gym bag.

"Ta-da!" Jay said excitedly as he pulled out a dusty Playstation 2 and laid it on the coffee table with a flourish.

Alex cocked her head to the side as she glanced from the game system to Jay and back again. "You... bought me a _used_ Playstation?"

The boy's grin disappeared. "What? No! This is mine. Don't you remember? I told you, I had to pawn it a few weeks ago to get some extra cash..." He looked at her in disbelief. "You really don't remember? This," he gestured to the black plastic box, "is my most prized possession, other than my car, and you can't remember the agony I went through when I had to sell it off?" He was teasing her, as usual. Jay thought it was funny that the girl who always got mad at him for zoning out when she was talking seemed to have done the same thing to him, and got caught at it, too.

_Now this whining, this sounds familiar._ Alex held up her hand in an effort to quiet him. "Okay, okay... I get it. I'm sorry I didn't recall that you had to give your _baby_ away, but I've been preoccupied with more serious shit than whether or not I'll be able to play _Vice City_ when I get home from work," she informed him, inordinately angry.

"Wait, you work? You got a new job?" Jay asked seriously.

Alex growled loudly in frustration, "No, that's not the fucking point. You should just go, just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to play around with you."

"What the hell is your problem?" he asked. _Here I am, trying to be a nice guy and she gets all bitchy on me._ Alex had turned away from him, staring at the floor. He could clearly see her jaw was clenched tight, in anger or against tears, he couldn't tell. Jay realized her attitude had nothing to do with him, she was obviously still stressed over her ex. _That Michalchuk bitch really fucked you up, didn't she?_ He had disliked Paige before, but the past few weeks had made him really hate her, and he wasn't too happy with Spinner either. Tentatively, he reached out and rubbed Alex's arm softly, not sure if he should hug her or if she would even let him.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked uncertainly.

Alex shrugged, "Nothing to talk about." She picked a few pieces of lint off the sofa cushion as she admitted, "I just didn't get much sleep last night."

Jay's ears perked up at that. "Well, well Lexi," he gave her a lecherous grin, "trying to forget your troubles in the arms of a new lady? A woman after my own heart."

That earned him a slap on the arm. "No, perv, I slept alone." Alex ran a hand through her hair and got up off the couch, picking up Jay's bag on the way. She went to the television and started hooking up the Playstation. Her body seemed to be on automatic as she stuck the color coded cords into place, her mind running over the conversation that she'd had with Paige, just like it had all night.

_I should be happy, right? I mean, we got all that shit out in the open and we made up. Kind of. So why do I still feel like crap?_ She couldn't fool herself, there was still too much that was unresolved. The initial cause of their breakup, Paige's fast approaching departure, the exact nature of their current relationship; it had all been brushed aside yesterday as they had held each other. Once Paige had left though, all those loose ends had crowded into Alex's mind, demanding her attention, assailing her throughout the long restless night.

The sound of Jay moving around behind her brought Alex back to the present. _She's not here, I don't have to deal with this right now. Just chill, try to have some fun. _She put her favorite game in and carried two controllers back to the sofa, handing one to Jay as he returned with a soda for each of them.

He grinned as the title screen came on, "You are so predictable."

"Well I know how much you've missed me kicking your ass," Alex smirked.

"I actually have the third one, you know," Jay said, holding up another game. "I hear you can unlock Li Long in this one."

"Seriously?"

He nodded. "But I haven't been able to do it, yet."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Put that shit in, I wanna play with my man again," she said excitedly.

"Ah, the words I've been longing to hear," he teased, leaning towards her.

Alex shoved him away, laughing. "In your dreams, Hogart."

---

Two hours later, Jay and Alex were stuck trying to beat the character that would unlock one of their favorites from the original version of the game. Alex leaned back into the sofa cushions, taking a drag off her cigarette as she awaited her turn. Jay groaned loudly in frustration as he tossed her the controller, snatching the cigarette from her fingers. "That guy is a bitch," he complained.

"Yeah, but we gotta get Li Long, damn it," she growled. Her fingers moved smoothly over the buttons, the tip of her tongue peeking out between her lips as she concentrated.

Jay exhaled a long stream of smoke as he leaned forward to crush out the cigarette in the ashtray.

"I saw her yesterday," Alex said quietly, eyes still fixed on the television screen. She didn't know why she was bringing this up now, to Jay of all people, but she couldn't stop thinking about it.

He knew who she was talking about, her agitation earlier and insomnia the previous night suddenly made sense. "Yeah? How was that?"

Alex sighed, "It was... weird. We argued."

"Right," he nodded.

"I kissed her," she said, glancing at him almost guiltily.

"Hmm."

She chuckled, "Hmm, that's all you can say?"

Jay scratched at the stubble on his cheek, not sure what his reaction should be. "Well, what do you want me to say? Congratulations?"

"Maybe."

"Okay, congratulations Lexi, you kissed your bitch of an ex-girlfriend," he said bitterly.

Alex handed him the controller and reached over to the end table for her cigarettes. "She's not a bitch," she argued.

He looked at her skeptically.

"Well, not all the time, anyways," she smiled.

Jay turned back to the game, starting up a new round. "What are you going to do?"

"I guess we're getting back together."

"So what? You just forgave her? What about the thing with Spinner?" he asked. Jay hated that he had to bring up that painful subject, but he hated even more the thought of Paige screwing over his friend.

"No, I didn't just forgive her. I guess I have to try and look past it, you know?" she said, sounding like she was trying to convince herself. "She wasn't the only one who fucked things up and we were technically broken up when that happened."

"That kind of thing is hard to overlook," he glanced at her. "You sure it's worth it?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

"She's still going away, right? What are you gonna do then?"

"I don't know yet," Alex answered with a heavy sigh. "I love her, Jay. I have to make this work," she said, not quite sure why, but needing him to understand.

He knew exactly what it was like to love someone so much that you would do anything to be with them, no matter what they said or did to hurt you. Jay smiled sympathetically at the woman who had once held his heart, "Well, I guess all I can say is good luck, then."

Alex met his smile gratefully with her own, "Thanks." She stubbed out her cigarette and took the controller from his hands.

"My offer still stands, of course," he said as he leaned back to watch her play.

"Which one is that?"

"The one where I kick Spinner's ass," Jay grinned.

Alex smirked, knowing that he would actually do it if she asked. "Hopefully, that won't be necessary," she laughed, turning her attention back to the game.

---

---

Paige checked her outfit one final time in the full length mirror before heading downstairs. She couldn't help but smile at her reflection. She felt good today, better than she had in a long time. She had actually slept well last night for the first time in almost a month, confident that things were finally starting to get back on track. The conversation that she and Alex had yesterday was only the beginning of their inevitable reunion, she just knew it. Sure, they had hit a few bumps in the road, but all couples went through that sort of thing. This time it was going to be different, she was going to be better, she was going to be what Alex needed. A good, supportive girlfriend. _Well, I'm technically not her girlfriend again, yet. But it's really just a matter of time._

By the time she arrived at The Dot, Paige was practically beaming. Memories of the kisses that she'd shared with Alex last night had played in her head constantly during her short drive. She gave Spinner a friendly little wave as she entered the restaurant and all but bounced over to the table where Marco and Hazel waited. "Hey, guys," she greeted them both with a smile as she took her seat.

"Well, hello there, Miss Chipper," Marco replied as he assessed Paige's genuinely cheerful demeanor. _Now what brought this on? She's been messed up for weeks and now suddenly she's wearing her rose colored glasses? _He carefully watched the interaction between Paige and Spinner as the boy took her order. There wasn't any apparent flirting, in fact they both seemed to go out of their way to speak to each other in a polite, businesslike manner. _Good. That would just be _so_ wrong if they hooked up again before she gets this thing with Alex resolved. _

Paige seemed oblivious to his critical eye, chattering on happily with Hazel about the big sales they were going to hit this weekend. Marco wished that Spin would hurry up and bring their coffees around already. Knowing Paige, she would wait until they were all settled and she could have her friends' uninterrupted attention before revealing her news. Obviously, she was dying to tell them something, she kept fidgeting in her seat and every few seconds a sly little smile would randomly appear on her face.

Finally, Spinner returned, setting a steaming cup of cappuccino before each of the teenagers. Hazel took a careful sip of her drink and looked over at Paige expectantly as she set her cup down. "Alright, Paige, spill," she demanded.

"What?" Paige asked innocently.

Hazel gave her best friend a smirk. "Oh come on, we know there's something going on," she shared a knowing look with Marco. "You are so transparent."

Marco chuckled quietly at Hazel's comment, enjoying the look of indignation that briefly passed over his blonde friend's face.

Paige rolled her eyes and sighed. "Well," she smiled coyly, "I may have some news." Her smile broke into a huge grin as Marco and Hazel listened eagerly. "Alex and I are back together," she announced gleefully.

"Whoa," was Marco's only reply, honestly surprised by this turn of events. He'd expected the two girls to rekindle their friendship, but he'd never thought they'd actually start dating again... at least not this soon.

"Really? That's great, Paige," Hazel grinned and gave her friend's arm a little squeeze. _Finally, we'll get rid of Mopey-Paige and have some fun again._

Paige just crinkled her nose happily and took a sip of her beverage.

Marco's brain jumped out of neutral and went into overdrive. He scooted his chair a little closer to Paige's and leaned in to her excitedly. "Okay, I want details. How the hell did this happen? Last I heard, you guys weren't even speaking and now you've reboarded the Love Boat?"

Paige took a deep breath, preparing to tell her story. She loved gossiping with her friends and it was even better when she actually had something happy in her life to share with them. "I saw her yesterday-"

"What? I was with you yesterday, you didn't tell me you saw her," Hazel interjected, shocked that she'd been out of the loop for a whole twenty-four hours.

"Hello, interruption. Who's telling this story?" Paige shot her friend an annoyed look before continuing, "As I was saying, I saw Alex as I was leaving the mall, _after_ going shopping with Hazel. I gave her a ride home and we talked." She paused to take another drink of her coffee.

"You talked? As in, not screaming and tearing each others' throats out, but an actual, civilized conversation?" Marco asked.

"Well, okay. We didn't really talk much in the car and once we got back to her place, we kinda got into a tiny little fight," she held her thumb and forefinger close to demonstrate the insignificance of the argument.

Hazel smirked at her friend's admission. She remembered the barbs that Alex and Paige had shared in the hallways of Degrassi back when they couldn't stand each other, surely an argument between them would be defined as anything but 'tiny'.

Marco just shrugged and nodded, expecting nothing less. Breakups are hard and getting back together can be almost as bad, he knew from personal experience.

"It sucked, but I guess it was good too, you know? We both had stuff we needed to get out." A frown passed over Paige's lips fleetingly as she remembered the details of her fight with Alex. She shook her head slightly and smiled again as she continued on with her story, "But then, she kissed me."

Hazel returned her smile, but Marco looked confused. "So, that's it? C'mon Paige, we need more than that. I want to know exactly what was said. Which one of you asked the other out this time?"

"Well, neither of us, really. I mean, we just kind of agreed to take it slow and see what happens," Paige answered nonchalantly.

Warning bells started going off in Marco and Hazel's minds simultaneously, they shared a concerned look before returning their attentions to Paige. Hazel, being the less tactful of the two, decided to just say what they were both thinking. "So, you're not really back together then? I mean, officially, you're not a couple."

Paige rolled her eyes. "No, 'officially' we're not a couple again, yet. A minor technicality," she assured her friends.

Hazel's brow furrowed in consternation. Knowing Paige's penchant for blowing things like this out of proportion, she was understandably concerned. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, unsure how to interpret the news. _She seems really happy. Too happy, if things are still up in the air with them. There must be something she's leaving out, something more concrete than just one kiss._

Marco laid a hand on his friend's wrist. "Okay, tell us what she said after she kissed you," he encouraged her gently.

Slightly annoyed with her friends' restrained reactions to her joyous news, Paige let out a little sigh before recounting her short conversation with Alex regarding the state of their relationship. Studying their faces as she finished her explanation, she realized that they were still worried. _Why can't they just be happy for me? This is a good thing, right? _"So, what do you guys think? Can we commence with the celebrating, or am I missing something?"

Glancing over at Hazel, Marco shrugged. "I don't know, Paige. It sounds like you guys still have a lot to talk about," he said.

"Yeah, of course," Paige replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "But we've got plenty of time for that, I'm not leaving for another two months. Last night was just the beginning, you know?"

Hazel nodded. "So what are you planning to do about that, when you leave?" she asked cautiously. "I mean, that's pretty much the whole reason you guys broke up to begin with, isn't it?"

For the first time since she'd entered The Dot, Paige's smile disappeared. "I think so, we didn't really get into that," she admitted.

Feeling a bit guilty at the change in Paige's demeanor, Marco gave her hand a comforting squeeze. "I'm sure it'll be fine, you guys will work something out. Maybe she'll change her mind and decide to go up to Kingston with you," he said hopefully.

"Maybe," Paige said uncertainly, the seed of doubt her friends had introduced beginning to take root. _I know this. I know, I know, I know... I just don't want to think about it right now. Can't I just be happy for five minutes without having to deal with this serious stuff? _

"Or maybe you could do the long distance thing," Hazel suggested. "It could be kind of romantic. Pining for each other for weeks, writing sappy letters, rushing home to be with your lover whenever you can."

"Hon, you have got to stop reading those cheesy novels your mom hides under the couch," Paige replied with a smirk.

Hazel blushed, trying to hold back a smile as her friends laughed. "Okay, okay," she held up one hand to ward off their teasing. "Seriously though, you have options, you just need to talk to her about this."

Paige nodded.

"Do it soon, though. The longer you go without making a decision, the worse it's going to be," Marco added.

Paige scrunched up her nose at the thought of bringing up the subject to Alex again so soon. "Do I have to? Couldn't I just enjoy a nice, casual relationship for once, without worrying about what's gonna happen a few months from now?"

Hazel shrugged and looked over at Marco.

"I don't know, Paige. You've never really done the cas' thing, do you think you could handle it?" the boy asked before taking a sip of his cappuccino.

"If that's even what Alex wants. I mean, she's kind of..." Hazel paused, searching for the right word, "Intense. Would she be cool with it or would she think you're blowing her off?"

"I don't know," Paige answered with a frown, suddenly wishing that they were talking about anything other than her love life. Instead of the simple, happy conversation she'd expected, her talk with Marco and Hazel was just serving to confuse her further. _Why did I think it was a good idea to bring this up before Alex and I got things settled? So stupid. _

Paige touched her hip lightly, fingers skimming over the slight bulge of the cell phone in her pocket. _Taking things slow means not calling her the next day, right? But I just want to hear her voice, just to confirm that we're really okay now, that it's not all in my head._

Reluctantly, she laid her hands flat on the table before her, pushing the thought of talking to Alex out of her mind. Paige smiled brightly at her friends. "Now that we've got our caffeine fix, I'd say it's time to hit the mall," she announced.

Marco and Hazel both returned her smile as they left some bills on the table and exited the restaurant. If therapy of the shopping variety was what Paige wanted, they were more than happy to oblige.

---

AN: If anyone can name the title of the game that Alex and Jay are playing, you'll get... well nothing really. Just extra cool points in my book, I guess. :o)


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Still don't own Degrassi, blah blah.

Warning: In addition to the strong language present throughout this story, this chapter contains frank reference to sexual activity. (Not a sex scene, sorry.)

AN: Maybe I'm trying to make up for my long absence, I don't know. I sat down to write the beginning of this chapter, and the whole damn thing just came pouring out. I may have been possessed. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and all of you who are still reading. Feedback is my new favorite drug. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

---

Even though Paige had promised herself that she would give Alex some space, somehow she ended up standing outside her apartment around 11:30 that night. _What am I doing? What if she doesn't want to see me? I should've called first, she might not even be here. _The thought of dealing with Emily or her boyfriend if Alex wasn't around almost made her turn around and leave, but then she remembered her cell phone. She walked to the end of the hallway before making her call, not wanting anyone inside to realize she was on the other side of the door.

After just two rings, Alex answered. "Hello?" she sounded tired.

"Hey. Did I wake you?" Paige asked.

"Oh, hey. No, you didn't wake me up, I was just reading. What's up?"

A simple question, but Paige wasn't sure what to say. _I'm confused and lost and I just need to be with you right now. Co-dependency issues much?_ "I was just on my way home, thought maybe I could stop by, if you're not busy," she answered hopefully.

Alex paused, not sure if she was ready to see Paige again just yet. _What's the big deal? She probably just wants to talk. She's trying to make things better, that's good, right? I can't avoid her forever and the only way any of this is going to get settled is by talking about it. _Alex grimaced. _My absolute favorite activity, talking about my fucking feelings._

The girl's lack of response caused Paige's doubts to resurface. "Or not. I mean, it's okay if you just want to be alone."

Disappointment was clear in the girl's voice, making Alex feel guilty. "Not particularly. It's cool if you want to come by, I guess."

"You sure?"

Alex chuckled at the unusually timid tone of her voice. She thought it was kind of cute that Paige was acting so shy. "Yes, Paige, I'm sure. When are you coming over?"

"Umm... pretty much right now," she said, blushing.

"Right now, as in you're on your way?"

Paige's blush grew even hotter as she admitted, "Actually, right now, as in I'm standing outside your apartment."

"Okay..." Alex sounded confused. "I guess I'll come let you in then."

"'Kay." Paige snapped her phone closed and shoved it into her pocket. She ran her fingers through her hair and straightened her clothes as she walked back to stand in front of the door. Alex opened the door a few seconds later and Paige noticed that she was dressed for bed, her hair slightly mussed. _God, she looks so good. Only Alex could make pajama pants and an old wifebeater look so damned sexy._ Tearing her eyes away from the small bit of skin visible where the bottom of the tank top and the top of her pants didn't quite meet, she looked up with a pout. "You _were_ asleep. I'm sorry, I should just go."

Alex shushed her and grabbed her hand, pulling her into the dark apartment. "Try to ignore the carcasses," she whispered as she dragged Paige down the short hallway to her room.

Paige squinted her eyes, trying to adjust her vision and glanced around the living room. Chad was passed out as usual on the worn couch and another man, who looked slightly familiar, was curled up awkwardly in the recliner. Her hand involuntarily came up to cover her mouth as she recognized the man's face. _What the hell is he doing here?_ If she had doubts about her reconciliation with Alex before, they now increased tenfold. _Did she change her mind about us? What if she just decided I was too much trouble and went back to Jay? Oh god, what did I do? I drove her back into the arms of that philandering sociopath!_

She forced herself to take a deep breath as they entered the bedroom. Alex smiled nervously as she shut the door and sat down on her bed. _Okay, Paige, try to be calm. There must be a logical explanation for the fact that her ex-boyfriend, who she supposedly hates, is spending the night at her place._ "What is he doing here?" Paige asked in a voice that came out a lot more accusatory than she'd meant.

"What? Oh, Jay?" Alex chuckled lightly. "He just came by earlier, we played some video games and hung out."

The blonde crossed her arms over her chest, clearly unsatisfied with that brief explanation. "And he's sleeping here, why?"

Alex was taken aback by her attitude. _What right does she have to question me? I'm not the one who ran back to her ex-boyfriend._ "He and Chad ended up watching some game and drinking themselves stupid, I guess they just passed out." She looked confused, "What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that I know Jay. He's been trying to skeez his way back into your pants for more than a year, and now that you're single again he must've jumped at the chance to put his moves on you. I just can't believe you would be so stupid to hook up with him again," Paige ranted.

Alex scraped her fingers through her hair, taking a deep breath to calm herself and avoid yelling at her paranoid ex-girlfriend. "Paige, would you listen to yourself? You know I have no interest in Jay like that anymore." She looked into Paige's eyes, pleading with her to be rational. "We're just friends, okay? That's all."

Paige frowned, she was starting to feel a little stupid for going off like that, but her fears weren't quieted so easily. "Since when? I thought you couldn't stand the guy."

"Well, he is an ass," Alex admitted with a little smile. "I don't know," she shrugged, "We have history, you know? I guess I kind of missed hanging out with him, and he's actually been good lately. He used to be my best friend and it's kind of nice having him around again." She looked up at Paige, "Do you get it at all?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Paige sighed heavily as she sat down next to Alex. "I'm sorry. I just... I guess it just freaked me out seeing him here after everything that Marco and Hazel said today."

Alex smiled sympathetically and leaned a bit closer as she placed a comforting hand at the small of Paige's back. "Oh, god. What have those two been putting in your head now?"

It felt stupid now to bring up all the doubts and 'what-ifs' that she had discussed with her friends. All of her worries just seemed to melt away when Alex touched her. "It's nothing, doesn't matter now," she said quietly, laying her head on Alex's shoulder.

Alex closed her eyes briefly, breathing in Paige's familiar scent. She rubbed her cheek against the girl's soft, blonde hair and placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

Paige sighed happily and intertwined the fingers of her left hand with Alex's. "What are we doing?" she whispered. "Is this real, Alex, or are we just prolonging the inevitable?"

She slid her hand from Paige's back to her waist, fingers curling around to gently stroke the skin just under the edge of her shirt. "I love you. I want to be with you as long as you'll let me," Alex whispered back.

Paige lifted her head, turning to look into Alex's eyes. "I don't want to leave you," she said in a strained voice.

"Then don't," Alex answered without thinking. She hadn't meant to say that out loud, knowing it was an unfair and irrational request. Staring into Paige's eyes, she could see the longing and fear that those words inspired. She leaned in and kissed her roughly, trying to erase her momentary weakness from Paige's memory with her lips.

Paige pulled away after a few moments, bringing her hand up to caress a soft, tanned cheek. "I would, you know. I would stay, if you asked me."

The dark haired girl smiled softly, "No, you wouldn't."

Paige smiled sadly, silently acknowledging the truth of her words. She pulled Alex forward, bringing their lips together once again. Her hand fell from Alex's cheek, fingers dancing lightly down her neck, over her collarbone, between her breasts, across her stomach. Alex's mouth opened in a gasp as those fingers slid under her shirt, against the bare skin of her back.

Paige's tongue slipped briefly into her mouth, teasingly sliding against Alex's before the girl pulled away with a devilish grin. "Ask me to stay," she whispered, bringing her free hand up to smooth a few errant hairs from Alex's face.

Alex was still reeling from her advances, "What?"

"Tonight. I want to stay with you," she said.

The hand on Alex's back was tracing small circles down her spine, the other curled around her neck almost possessively. Every fiber of her physical being begged for her to give in, to take what Paige was offering. Even though it had only been a few weeks, it felt like forever since she'd made love to her, tasted her skin, heard the sweet sounds of her pleasure. As much as she wanted to be with Paige, doubts still flooded her mind.

"I... I don't think I can," Alex said. She pulled out of the embrace, looking away from Paige.

Paige was silent for a moment. This had never happened, Alex had never shunned her affections. "What? Why? Don't you- don't you want me anymore?"

"Yes, god yes, I want you," Alex answered quickly. She stood up from the bed and walked away in agitation.

"Then what's wrong?"

Alex stopped at her desk, picked up a pack of cigarettes and lit one before turning back to Paige. _How do I explain this to her? _She felt childish and petty, but she couldn't seem to get the thought of Paige's recent sexcapade with Spinner out of her head. _I know it didn't mean anything. I know that, damn it! But how do I know that when I'm touching her, kissing her, loving her, she won't be thinking of him?_

"Did you like it?"

"What? What are you talking about, Alex?" Paige stood up and moved towards her, but Alex put a hand up, warding her away even as she backed out of her reach. Paige stood, hands useless at her sides, confused by the girl's actions.

Alex took a deep drag off her cigarette, steeling herself before looking into Paige's eyes. "When you were with him... when you fucked him, did you like it?"

Shocked, Paige backed away from the intense pain and anger in Alex's gaze. She slumped into the desk chair and stared down at the floor. She shook her head, "No, I told you, it wasn't like that."

"You told me you didn't love him, that doesn't mean that you didn't enjoy it," Alex said sharply.

Paige looked up, forcing herself to meet Alex's scathing stare. "Well, I didn't, okay? It was weird and uncomfortable. All I could think about was what a horrible person I was and how much you would hate me if you knew."

Alex didn't look away, her expression did not soften at Paige's explanation. "Did you come?"

"What?" Paige suddenly felt dirty in a way that she had not experienced in a long time. The way that Alex was looking at her, so accusingly, brought a shame akin to what she'd felt after her rape washing over her. She got up, moving to stand before her. "Alex, please, don't do this," she begged.

"Answer me."

Paige pursed her lips and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before answering. "Yes," she whispered. As she said it, she felt like she was betraying Alex all over again. Her heart clenched, lungs squeezed in a vice, legs shaking as if they would collapse.

She opened her eyes, searching Alex's blank expression for something; forgiveness, hatred, anything at all, but there was nothing. "Alex, it's not like I meant to, it's just a physical reaction. It doesn't mean anything. It was just sex. With you, it's different. I love you, you make me feel-"

"Okay," Alex interrupted, raising one hand to quiet her. She took another long pull on her cigarette. "I get that, but it doesn't make it better, Paige. It doesn't make it hurt any less."

Paige nodded, "I know."

Alex crossed the short distance to her nightstand, crushing her cigarette out in the ashtray. "I don't know if I can do this," she said quietly, her back to Paige. "I love you so much, and the thought of someone else putting their hands on you...the thought of you kissing him, letting him touch you... that he knows what you sound like, how you look when you come..." She turned to face Paige, tears pooling in her eyes, "I know you're not a lesbian, that you're still attracted to guys. How do I know that I can ever satisfy you? That you won't be thinking of how much better it was with him every single time we make love?"

"I don't know," Paige admitted weakly. She tried to hold back her own tears as she moved towards Alex again, taking the rigid girl into her arms. "I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew how to make this better. I love you so much, Alex. You have to believe that. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. You are the only person that I want to be with. Nothing could ever compare with the way you make me feel when we make love. You are the sexiest, most exciting person I have ever known. I don't want Spinner or anyone else, all I want is you." She nuzzled the side of Alex's neck as she felt the girl acquiesce to her embrace. "I wish there was a way I could make you believe that," she whispered, her heart growing even heavier in her chest as she felt Alex's warm tears against her skin.

Both girls were relatively silent for a while, lost in their own thoughts, wishing there was a way to avoid all the hurt they seemed to bring one another.

"Stay with me," Alex mumbled against Paige's shoulder.

"What?" Paige asked, pulling away and holding the other girl at arm's length to look into her eyes.

"Please? Just to sleep. I don't want to be alone again," she said as she wiped the tears from her face.

Paige nodded as she smoothed damp hair away from Alex's face. "Okay."

Alex nodded once and crawled under the covers of her bed. She watched silently as Paige got a pair of shorts and a tank top from a drawer and changed her clothes.

Paige carefully folded the clothes she'd been wearing and laid them on the desk. She hit the switch on the wall, blanketing the room in darkness. She sat down on the side of Alex's bed uneasily. "Do you want me to sleep on top of the covers?"

"No," Alex said, "I want you in here with me."

Paige got under the blankets, moving stiffly, trying not to accidently brush up against the other girl. She was happy to be back in her bed, but she wasn't sure how Alex wanted her to act.

Alex slid her arm under Paige, pulling her close, guiding her head onto her shoulder. Paige tentatively wrapped an arm around Alex's waist. They both tried to relax into the familiar sleeping position.

"I still love you, Paige," Alex said quietly.

Unbidden tears sprang to her eyes. "You do?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"And I still want to make love to you. I just... I need some time, okay?"

"Okay." Paige sighed heavily, "This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

Alex smiled resignedly. "Nothing ever is with us."


End file.
